messed up head

my room is dark. its silent. its 1230 am and i am not sleepy. my head can be relaxed right about...NOW. only...its not.

i love sleeping because its an escape. lately i have been having issues with my pillow and bed too. they keep hating on me by giving me weird pains all over my body...or maybe its just the way i sleep.

somewhere in my brain i am registering that i might use talking to someone....but no name pops out. friends, family, lover...none. I can use my lover but he (as he is gonna tell me tomorrow morning) has probably fallen asleep studying or watching TV. i think even if he wasn't asleep he probably wouldn't be that great a help cause he wouldn't wanna talk and i wouldn't talk to him cause he doesn't wanna talk to me. and i would think or a couple of things to say but i will keep mum. i miss having him around, or him snoring in my ears, sleeping unaware that i am up...thinking things. anyhow, so right now i sit and as much as i wish i was empty headed i am not. i feel like listening to music...but even that i dont know if i wanna do.

i was never the one to have low self esteem issues, never ever the one to be in doubts or under confident. things changed rapidly and now i beg to find some semblance of how i once was. when things were fine....even a normal regular day made me feel happy merely cause it was regular and normal days are good. as much as i might wanna run away (not to my boyfriend), my head would probably be back home where i would be thinking or scared of what i might find if i come back...like things changing...people changing.

and change people do. i witnessed as example of that only 2 hours back.

trusting is hard. really hard. but then what does the other person do to earn it anyways?

they break it sure, real easy. but i am the fool to give second chances? to put my heart out again? to fight for...what?

i have made mistakes in the past, and what infuriates me is that people have made THOSE as the judging parameter for my current behavior...they frigging assume! hell! fuck people for all i care! HE assumes! and i hate it!

i dont understand myself anymore honestly. add to that being in company of frigging losers who give you bad advice and wait to bring you down at wrong times. add to that the pressure...oh GOD the pressure! of everything...of life for chrissake!

i should probably get up and do something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSy9Jb9QmsQ