In Darkness

I stand in it alone, invisible,

The lights gone out and all is dark.

I turn and see nothing; I look ahead and see no one,

I have left no mark, I am blind, and everything is painfully stark.

I stretch out a hand that I can’t see,

Waiting to touch and afraid to feel,

I withdraw in haste, touching only that I trust,

And with that I withdraw the will to heal…

I want my mother, to hug and reassure

With that look, which works with nothing said,

My instinct desires her safe touch,

And I wish to lie in the nook under her head.

I don’t know where the walls start,

I don’t know if there is a door,

Am afraid to call out, afraid to fall

And the only truth is the floor…

And so I lie…wrapped around myself,

Fetal, like an infant not ready to be born,

Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting…

Forlorn, forlorn, forlorn, forlorn…

Voices of people, voices in my head,

Voices of comfort and help, voices from the past...

In this darkness, the voices…of faith, they fade too fast.

I think I see an outline of an exit,

To where, I know not, but will never know…

Until I am walked to it, or walk to it,

All I look for is a sign to go.

Because Sleep is safe, I sleep, time passes.

I fall in love with this virtual death,

I sleep and dream of things that could have been instead…

Hands wrap across me, and then a serene voice which cares,

“I am right here and I won’t let go;

There is a door, walk out; and I’ll still be there…”

I wake up slowly, suddenly, careful and scared.

Of a spirit unknown, or a false pretence.

Vulnerable. Gullible. Scared for my heart and scared for myself.

In a place where nothing and no one makes any sense.

Scared to trust, to love, to give.

Scared because the lights went out,

Scared at the thought that it’ll always be like this,

Scared maybe this time there won’t be a way out.

Yet I trust that voice, and wipe my tears,

Stand again after a time no one can tell,

“Not going anywhere” “Still going to be there”

To know that I tried, if again I fell.

Whispers. Voices, my safe Sleep calls back…

There is a door. The floor is intact,

Not falling into an abyss, but the abyss itself,

Walking away and not tempted to go back.

The door opens hard, there is no silhouette.

Is where I head, darker still?

I think twice, stop short, tempted to turn around,

Ahead is unknown, at least this is familiar,

This darkness wrapped and bound…

I push out softly, gently, to not wake anything

Close my eyes, and brace myself up.

I step out, come out, in apprehension

Like a new born walking, waking in a daze.

And then there was light, and noise,

And people, and smiles,

And all I see was hustle was miles and miles.

And there he stood, and I knew it was him,

Smiling benignly, reaching towards my skin…

Wanting to hold my hands, reaching to walk,

“Told you” he said “Ill be right here…that I-”

“-am not going anywhere?” I said with a smile, already completing his talk…

5:40 am

29^th September 2011