In Darkness

I stand in it alone, invisible,

The lights gone out and all is dark.

I turn and see nothing; I look ahead and see no one,

I have left no mark, I am blind, and everything is painfully stark.

I stretch out a hand that I can’t see,

Waiting to touch and afraid to feel,

I withdraw in haste, touching only that I trust,

And with that I withdraw the will to heal…

I want my mother, to hug and reassure

With that look, which works with nothing said,

My instinct desires her safe touch,

And I wish to lie in the nook under her head.

I don’t know where the walls start,

I don’t know if there is a door,

Am afraid to call out, afraid to fall

And the only truth is the floor…

And so I lie…wrapped around myself,

Fetal, like an infant not ready to be born,

Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting…

Forlorn, forlorn, forlorn, forlorn…

Voices of people, voices in my head,

Voices of comfort and help, voices from the past...

In this darkness, the voices…of faith, they fade too fast.

I think I see an outline of an exit,

To where, I know not, but will never know…

Until I am walked to it, or walk to it,

All I look for is a sign to go.

Because Sleep is safe, I sleep, time passes.

I fall in love with this virtual death,

I sleep and dream of things that could have been instead…

Hands wrap across me, and then a serene voice which cares,

“I am right here and I won’t let go;

There is a door, walk out; and I’ll still be there…”

I wake up slowly, suddenly, careful and scared.

Of a spirit unknown, or a false pretence.

Vulnerable. Gullible. Scared for my heart and scared for myself.

In a place where nothing and no one makes any sense.

Scared to trust, to love, to give.

Scared because the lights went out,

Scared at the thought that it’ll always be like this,

Scared maybe this time there won’t be a way out.

Yet I trust that voice, and wipe my tears,

Stand again after a time no one can tell,

“Not going anywhere” “Still going to be there”

To know that I tried, if again I fell.

Whispers. Voices, my safe Sleep calls back…

There is a door. The floor is intact,

Not falling into an abyss, but the abyss itself,

Walking away and not tempted to go back.

The door opens hard, there is no silhouette.

Is where I head, darker still?

I think twice, stop short, tempted to turn around,

Ahead is unknown, at least this is familiar,

This darkness wrapped and bound…

I push out softly, gently, to not wake anything

Close my eyes, and brace myself up.

I step out, come out, in apprehension

Like a new born walking, waking in a daze.

And then there was light, and noise,

And people, and smiles,

And all I see was hustle was miles and miles.

And there he stood, and I knew it was him,

Smiling benignly, reaching towards my skin…

Wanting to hold my hands, reaching to walk,

“Told you” he said “Ill be right here…that I-”

“-am not going anywhere?” I said with a smile, already completing his talk…

5:40 am

29^th September 2011

messed up head

my room is dark. its silent. its 1230 am and i am not sleepy. my head can be relaxed right about...NOW. only...its not.

i love sleeping because its an escape. lately i have been having issues with my pillow and bed too. they keep hating on me by giving me weird pains all over my body...or maybe its just the way i sleep.

somewhere in my brain i am registering that i might use talking to someone....but no name pops out. friends, family, lover...none. I can use my lover but he (as he is gonna tell me tomorrow morning) has probably fallen asleep studying or watching TV. i think even if he wasn't asleep he probably wouldn't be that great a help cause he wouldn't wanna talk and i wouldn't talk to him cause he doesn't wanna talk to me. and i would think or a couple of things to say but i will keep mum. i miss having him around, or him snoring in my ears, sleeping unaware that i am up...thinking things. anyhow, so right now i sit and as much as i wish i was empty headed i am not. i feel like listening to music...but even that i dont know if i wanna do.

i was never the one to have low self esteem issues, never ever the one to be in doubts or under confident. things changed rapidly and now i beg to find some semblance of how i once was. when things were fine....even a normal regular day made me feel happy merely cause it was regular and normal days are good. as much as i might wanna run away (not to my boyfriend), my head would probably be back home where i would be thinking or scared of what i might find if i come back...like things changing...people changing.

and change people do. i witnessed as example of that only 2 hours back.

trusting is hard. really hard. but then what does the other person do to earn it anyways?

they break it sure, real easy. but i am the fool to give second chances? to put my heart out again? to fight for...what?

i have made mistakes in the past, and what infuriates me is that people have made THOSE as the judging parameter for my current behavior...they frigging assume! hell! fuck people for all i care! HE assumes! and i hate it!

i dont understand myself anymore honestly. add to that being in company of frigging losers who give you bad advice and wait to bring you down at wrong times. add to that the pressure...oh GOD the pressure! of everything...of life for chrissake!

i should probably get up and do something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSy9Jb9QmsQ

Bella's Choice

I always wondered what she was thinking, like really thinking and not alone what the author wrote. Though I was always Team Edward and always wanted them to be together, and always defended her when someone called her stupid…off late I got thinking. It’s funny how much personal experiences make a change in your thought process.

What if Bella would have actually chosen Jacob? What if Edward had never returned? Would she have ever come to love Jacob the way she loves Edward? Then again, what if Jacob wasn’t as great as he was in the book? What if Jacob had never imprinted on Renesmee and was heartbroken as ever? What if Bella would have seen through his flaws and then realized how silly she was to make some choices she made as far as Jacob was concerned? What if…Edward and Jacob were best friends?

We can only guess, some answers closer to being right than others.

Bella loved Edward, and yes…he left. But that changed nothing. Cause she was altered beyond change by his mere existence. People judged her, Jacob judged her…for she never thought twice before he took Edward back. Because there really was no choice then. Her love for him was definitely more than her love for Jacob…but her need and attachment for Jacob was strong too. All that time Jacob wondered WHY it was that Bella wanted him when she couldn’t give him what HE wanted; Bella was selfish, justified in her selfishness too. When Edward left, it was Jacob who became her support system…but he could never become Edward. When Edward came back, nothing changed except that Jacobs’s indignation outgrew his love for Bella.

Bella forgave Edward. Took him back. Jacob hated her for that. He missed her yes, she missed him too. Yet mostly Jacob’s volatile attitude was what ruined it for himself. Something he never learned to control, and yet there was Bella forgiving him over and over…because of that bond that had formed over Edward’s absence, something Edward can NOT begrudge. Yet it was also on the downside that every time Bella forgave Jacob it encouraged him, and that wasn’t Bella’s fault. She was always clear with her feelings for him wasn’t she? And she accepted with all grace that it was selfish to want Jacob to be there even after Edward came back…

I know many people say that she got a kick out of his pain, that she was selfish and used him, that she was a bitch…To them I ask, look closely. Every time Jacob hurt, she hurt. Every time he said goodbye, she broke. Her love for Edward had its own place but it was the bond of friendship with Jacob that she never wanted to forego. Sure she understood when he made the choice of never coming back, and it hurt her too. Something Jacob was probably too immature to see…to believe. But I have to this one to him, his choice was his own and justified for himself. This selfishness was justified. And Bella would agree, hurt nevertheless.

I am deeply thankful for the fact that Jacob and Edward were not best friends. Then it would have been a plot only new in its usage once again since the dawn of time. Had that been the case…who would have been selfless enough to let go? Had that been…it would have been three hearts breaking…rather than two, if not for Bella then for each other.

I respect Jacob, and I respect Bella’s love for him. Even if the only way Bella loved Jacob was as a friend and wanted him to be there forever no matter what, I wouldn’t judge her…the same way I won’t judge Jacob for leaving when he did. It would be unfair for one to judge and the other one to be spared.

Had Jacob never imprinted on Renesmee, he probably would have been the same heartbroken boy he was through the first part of Breaking Dawn. He would have gone being on his own….a choice Bella should have, would have respected, even though it hurt (unknown to Jacob of course). Had Jacob been self righteous, and blamed Bella for all the pain he was going through because of her…well in the book she said “she deserved it”… maybe she did…maybe she didn’t. It depends on how far would Jacob had gone to make himself feel better by making her the bad bitch.

In real life, Edward isn’t the god like creature he is in the book. Jacob isn’t the selfless friend who came back. Bella isn’t the (un)clear headed girl.

This is real life, where Edward is selfish. Jacob is crazy. Bella is….torn and yet aware of what she wants and what she doesn’t want.

In real life, she is as confused about Edward as about Jacob.

This is real life. And He isn’t Edward. He isn’t Jacob. And you are not Bella.

And this is just a stupid rant.

A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

It Will Rain - Bruno Mars