It’s that cold…that chill in the air; there’s something about it that I love. And then the way that cold invites warmth, as in it invites the mufflers, and the mittens and the coats in which in turn bring warmth with them…I know it’s a complex image to paint…but I have painted it with a hope that people would understand. It’s that cold that chills me to my marrow that I love…and so crossing the first degree of masochism. Further that cold doesn’t only chill me but also leaves me with an unwanted guest: lung congestion…bronchitis. And yet I love it…
Its evening and I just woke up after my long nap (I had slept at five in the morning coming back from work). It was dark in my apartment and I didn’t get up as soon as soon as I awoke. The light flitting through the curtains attracted me…so I finally got up and went to the window, drawing the curtains aside…
“Winters are here…” I murmured to myself, and smiled.
I switched the lights on and turned to look at my room; well I had cleaned it just day before yesterday and seeing that I wasn’t home after that…it looked the same. I put some songs on…it felt strange and lonely sometimes living alone and so keeping the television on or some movie or songs really helped…
“Touch me dear…pure and true…
Gift to me…forever…”
I had randomly clicked on the play list and realizing that song I had played laughed out loud to myself… Okay I agree that there is something “gray” about winters…like sad…to a large extent and to a lot of people; but that aspect is glossed over by the fact that sun does shine here…and so the rays do bring with them warmth…and promise. Then it kind of becomes a matter of perception... Well as of now I was thinking that I should switch the play list to invite further “gloom”…though there was none there… I had no problems with Des’ree playing seeing that I wanted anyway to have a mellow evening…but…I changed the song anyway…The beats, with which the song started, though slow, jolted me into motion…like in a movie I inexplicably went with the song towards the window again… This time it was a different view altogether…lights were coming up at places. Early night…winter night…silent night…
“Drink up, baby down…mmm, are you in or are you out,
Leave your things behind cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps…You bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So let go, so let go, jump in, Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright, cause there's beauty in the breakdown…”
This time I was singing along…with a smile on my face…
*
Walking the streets on a cold winter day has its own innate pleasure…bundled up against the cold, whiter than before, lips pink as if the cold took it upon itself to bring out every feature without the trouble of make up. I let out my breath which came out as fog absorbing everything around me; the snow on the roadsides were disturbed by the moving cycles and carts which left channels behind them…which looked like rivers traveling through snowy mountains; the kids threw their last snowballs at each other before their mothers called them back in…
“Get in here Tim…the cold will bite you!”
“Does it have big teeth momma?”
The mother laughed at her son and hugged him tightly…Warm…Fire and Ice coexisting…
I finally settled on a street bench, along the walk. I had a view of the whole square from here…especially the lighted shops and the houses, decked up for the coming New Year. There were people around me too: an old couple, a young couple, some friends chatting away…and a dog resting on a corner. There was also a middle aged man sitting quite near to the dog, staring into space. Wondering that which no one could see, no one knew…and by the looks of it no one cared. I felt somehow more at peace here amidst this little bustle than at home alone…this is what I came for. Earlier while getting out of house I had got a call from my friends calling me for a get-together, but I had declined to which they reprimanded how I never spent time with them and how I was totally ignoring them. Funny how people fire up when there own cat meows at them…but by now I was too much of an ice to care about that fire. I didn’t regret not going, let them have a taste of what they used to do… And now, I didn’t even think about it.
So winters has this reaction in me that I feel in tune with it… I can’t even get to describe it! Sitting there in the cold, my thoughts to myself, the season cast its spell…it reminded me of all the things lost, and all the things unfound, all the things cold now, maybe do to negligence? Or maybe they were never warm? Winter whispered in my ear how people use tags like “cruel”, “cold”, “bad” and how dreadful it felt hen it heard all of this being said…I told her how people are willfully blind these days, how a girl would curse the cold but somehow fail to see that it was giving her a reason to sit close to her lover…maybe around the fireplace, with the snow falling outside…I told Winter to take heart for maybe that girl had none. I told her to forgive those who call it cruel…they would never realize that their food was cold not because of you but because of their negligence. It might even be that they realize it but can’t face it…somewhat like my friends back there…maybe they are just cold cause they are angry. Fire and Ice.
She smiled now and left to be with the old couple. I smiled to myself and resumed thinking of the things which were present in their absence. Masochistic. Think about what you don’t have but which you with adamant hope believe you will have one day. I wondered at that girl, who at least had a lover…but took that fact for granted most probably. She would probably never realize the warmth she was missing…I sighed. Another year going by…and I was still alone. I was happy, yes! But alone. Not lonely…that part only came sometimes, but yes…alone. And thinking about loneliness, here it was as I watched that old couple get up and walk home hand in hand, it was almost tangible, the love that existed there…it made me smile again. I was suddenly very old, feeling the absences which winter reminded me of and yet bore the sadness with me…it didn’t leave me alone. It shared my grief… But then I wasn’t here to grieve…I was here to be happy. I am here to be a masochist. I laughed to myself. My life was different; I had gotten over wounds, and falls, I had risen each time through all the pains that had been in my share. And here I was…stronger. The cold taught people to endure, I always thought that. It made you stronger, firing up that innate power to hold and power to burn. Too complex… so I finally just settled down to enjoy it without thinking anything…I thought of the bar nearby. A drink wouldn’t be a bad idea and so I got up and went there.
The bar was warm and cozy, and pretty crowded. That made it nice somehow. I took up a drink. By the time I was done all this, it had started snowing outside so I settled by the window…A while later I had a guest. The middle aged man who was sitting with the dog outside came towards me…
“Do you mind if I sit here? It’s pretty crowded everywhere else…”
“No no…it’s totally fine. Please…” I replied.
He settled down. Now that I had a view of him by light he wasn’t exactly middle aged but quite young,, elder to me of course but definitely young.
“It’s pretty cold outside…I like that.” he said.
I didn’t think he would talk but a conversation wasn’t unwelcome. “Yeah. Not all people realize that fact, its beauty. I love it too…”
“Well seems like I have a comrade-in-arms.” He smiled. “I didn’t think it would snow here. I just moved to this part of the city.”
“Oh. Well it does snow often. It was last year that it didn’t. I still remember the newspaper headlines: “Put snowfall on your wish list!” “Santa’s grudge”. Like Santa sits up there and plots against Christmas!”
“Hmm. Sad business…sad…” he sighed.
He seemed more grieved by something other than the absence of snowfall of last year. I don’t know what made me ask it but still I did. “Is something wrong?”
He looked surprised for a moment, looked right into my eyes for another. He must have seen something there for the next moment he chose to answer. “Nothing and everything. I just got over a rough patch in life…” he stopped and continued staring out of the window.
“…But I am stronger now…” he ended smiling.
“No wonder I found you there alone by the square thinking all to yourself… I guess there was a kind of similarities between all the people sitting there…winters…” I added thoughtfully, though I don’t why…
I could see it that he understood it anyways. He smiled and asked “So why were you sitting there all alone?”
“Let’s just say I don’t have anyone to cuddle with at the moment!” I laughed, and he laughed with me with an inquisitive look in his eyes. Winters … Outside the snow blew on accompanied with the wind this time, that laugh of winter air…
*
“So will I see you soon?” he asked.
“Yes…I will show you around the other side tomorrow…by the river…”
“It will be frozen I guess?”
“Maybe that’s why I am taking you there…that’s one sight to behold…”
“I bet it is…” he nodded.
We both turned towards the square which was empty. We had traveled miles in our small talk in the pub. It seemed al natural…like melodramatically “meant to be”…
We silently stared at the falling snow, standing right where I was sitting.
“Well I think it’s till here for today, all that could have been on a first impromptu date.”
He laughed again and the snow blew stronger… A flake got my nose and he removed it with his hand, slowly. Fire touched Ice.
“Do you know each flake has a different design? Two never the same?” He was looking into my eyes and talking about the flake…I looked back into his warm eyes and said I knew it…Winter can be shrew! I wonder how much more it will make me shiver…
“So tomorrow, one?” he asked.
I smiled “It’s a date.”
“Date.” He smiled.
“Thanks for a wonderful evening-”
I felt Winter push me a bit; a shiver ran through my body. I stood on tip toes and pecked him on his cheek…it was red there already, when I withdrew, it was redder. I just smiled and walked away… I had a feeling that he would still be standing there if I turned. I did. He was...though not alone; winter laughed all around him…
*
I poured the steaming coffee into a mug and wrapped y hands around it. It was very soothing to do that. I thought over putting the music on but decided against it… I turned the lights off, total darkness, except the lamp that was glowing beside my bed. Picking up a blanket I settled down on the chair beside the wide open window, the steaming coffee in my hands. I was the fire…and the winter outside as the ice… and I stared at it…with a small smile on my lips…
****
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